Painsomnia, Worry, and the Dark Side of Fibromyalgia

These past three days I have been unable to do much of anything, even sleep. It’s turning to the close of the semester and I have deadlines coming up for a website I manage. The smoke of worry from the pain fire in my abdomen is rising and choking my lungs.

Chained to an armchair, I try to remember aspects of my identity, or who I am outside of my chronic pain. The things that make me up that aren’t the 16 pills I take, the IUD my body is rejecting, the flames in my esophagus, the knives in my shoulders, or the tension in my feet. I can’t ignore these awful things. My mental powers are not that strong and I would be jealous of anyone who could. Perhaps, I would think to myself, this person is kinky. Maybe they have more secrets they’d rather keep secret to cope with the pain they naturally find themselves in.

But when I am in involuntary armchair mode (which, yes, is way better than involuntary bedridden mode but more guilt inducing) from nights of not sleeping, I think of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry obtains the sword of Gryffindor, fights a basilisk in a gross sewer, and is rescued by Fawkes, the Phoenix.

Right now as I rest in involuntary armchair mode, I know that my body is in some gross sewer under Hogwarts, being manipulated by Albus Dumbledore, fighting the basilisk of fibromyalgia.

All of that sounds pretty bad.

However, I am a true Gryffindor. Once I said “not Slytherin” and I have the sword of Gryffindor. My body will slay the basilisk and I will make it out of the sewer of this pain flare. And if I retreat to my bed, I will rise like Fawkes.

With that, a recap:

Pocket full of starlight: if you can’t find the starlight today that’s alright. Maybe you don’t even like stars or shiny things. You could be a Death Eater. Today is your day for involuntary armchair mode.

Pocket full of darkness: although I’m not generally for conversion therapy, being a Death Eater is generally a Bad Idea. Supporting genocidal demagogues is Literally Evil. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.