Very often I wake up at 2am in intense pain. The pain continues until sunrise; I’m unable to fall back asleep. I do many things while the pain has set on. Mainly I read, write, and design. My largest comfort by far is prayer and some light Bible reading.
I wrote a piece for the Mighty entitled How My Faith Gives Me Comfort and Companionship With Chronic Illness about this phenomenon, how I read through the Gospels aloud and cry, knowing the Savior himself also had chronic pain for his last time on Earth. We serve a God who was disabled in the flesh for a time as a human being, yet was still perfect. I can’t think of a greater comfort.
Tonight I started out by thanking God for the gift of his son Jesus, for giving me someone I could always relate to. Someone who could show me I did not have to strive to be accepted, to be loved, to love myself back, even in the midst of all this pain I was in in the middle of a world that did not understand me.
Perhaps this is something of what it means in John 1 where it is written: “The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”
Possibly very obviously so, as no one understood Jesus and he understood what was in a person, so he understands us when no one understands us.
As I contemplate these things after my prayer of thanksgiving for the Christ and the intricacies of my husband, I felt the pain lift a little after a while. Miraculous healing or redirecting of the mind? Probably both. God gives us peace and hope when we focus on Him.
My fiancé came over to comfort me, as is his good fiancé custom.
He truly is a blessing. When it comes to words I can only say that I am the
We are two quiet, nerdy people, who enjoy art, animals, and nature. Together we sit and play with the dog, each knowing that the other is there, and even though there is not a fire burning in the fireplace we feel a warmth. This is love.
Love found me at the strangest of times. It found me when
all the mom advice and rom coms in the world would tell me it shouldn’t. I was
not at the top of my game. Not crushing it at work. I was entering into my
health crisis and the fight of my life when I met my fiancé.
When I first met him at a vegan burger stand, I had been
throwing up every night for two months and generally feeling a malaise. I hadn’t
wanted to come to the date. He was an internet stranger from a dating app. I
was nauseous with a fever and hadn’t slept for a few weeks from vomiting all night.
In order to meet him we had to go to a halfway point that was 20 minutes away
and I was driving a 25 year old car. Before I had bought a new car after graduating
college, but that had been totaled 6 months prior.
Instead of cancelling, I changed into grey leggings, a knit
coral V neck and my nice grey winter jacket. It was raining and I had just
gotten my hair done earlier that day. I tossed on a beret and eased my way down
my apartment stairs.
When I got there, I saw a nervous looking dude in thrifted
khakis and a polo beneath a street light. He was curled up against a pillar and
it looked like he was soaked from the rain. The light made him glow a strange
jaundice yellow, and when I approached him there was fear in his eyes with a
gentle sadness. Trepidation, a fear of a repeat date. Being that guy again.
I took it as extreme shyness and smiled my biggest smile. At that moment I decided I was going to make him feel comfortable, no matter how silly I looked. Now I am extremely shy, horrible at conversation, but I decided to find a common subject and talk on it. He revealed he went to church, so we talked about Christianity. I know, I know. Bad move. But he apparently liked it.
We went to an art supply store next. I pointed out some tools I used in art school, which brands I thought were best, and we had an intelligent conversation. There I noticed something remarkable. The yellow light was gone, and he was glowing white as a lion’s star, like the beacon of happiness had landed on him. He had a gentle essence about him, and I knew this meant he was a good, kind person. Call it stupidity or call it intuition. I will call it intuition, because he has been nothing but kind to me.
We decided to go shopping at the mall, but on our way to our
cars, I began to feel as if I would vomit. I was almost afraid I would not be
able to drive home and would need to call an Uber. Apologetically I turned to
him and explained I was sick, and that I liked our date. I asked him to text me
when he got home, and to be safe driving. He smiled, and said he would in a
triumphant yet sad voice.
I drove home, feeling miserable, anxious about the wet roads
and my nausea. When I got home, I noticed I had a notification. This man had
actually texted me that he had arrived home.
Me, pessimist that I am, figured he thought I was trying to
get out of a bad date, which I wasn’t. He had some form of hope that I was not
and believed I actually was ill. Our first trust fall was our first date. This
is how it began, and this is how it is.
Now, a recap:
Pocket full of starlight: people who say you have to have
your life together to find a good person or love are flat out wrong. You are deserving
of love even if your ducks in a row are a bunch of angry geese.
Pocket full of darkness: expect to be judged for your angry